I Can't Be In Love With a Bastard Like Him
by Neopuff
Summary: Probably the most out of character Roy Mustang x Riza Hawkeye story you'll ever read in your life. But that's to be expected. This story is to mock all those annoying OOC stories out there! RoyAi Rated for lime, angst, fluff, and fangirl lingo.


HIII!!11 My name is super kawaii desu desu fangirl-chan and im gunna rite u a storee!!111

No.

But, this will be my story of pure ROY X RIZA CRACK.

And not obvious crack, like flying bunnies coming out of Havoc's butt. I mean crack as in all the shit YOU people write –points-

Fine. Not CRACK. Out of character-ness. OOC. You people write too much of it! It's annoying!

But I'm a stupid bandwagon joiner. So if I must, I will.

WARNING: This story will have angst, fluff, subtle and extremely non-descriptive lemon, romance, annoying Japanese fangirl lingo, and many other things that could make you want to jump out of your bedroom to the New York City-type traffic 17 floors below.

The only thing I'm deciding is whether or not this should be anime or manga based. Since the manga is the best thing ever and the anime is bullshit…

I'm gonna go with neither xD I'll just make it one of those…random thingers.

And don't worry, although it will be annoying and difficult to get through, this story will have proper grammar and puncuation. No need to worry about that.

.:coughs:.

SUPER KAWAII DESU FANGIRL-CHAN, AWAAAAY!!

**I Can't Be In Love With a Bastard Like Him**

"Hawkeye-chuui?" Roy said with sleepy eyes as he looked over at his blonde subordinate, who was currently done with her paperwork and flipping through a romance novel. Like always.

"Yes, Roy-kun?" Riza didn't take her eyes off the book. The man had just woken up from his usual right-before-lunch nap during work, and she wasn't in the mood to shoot at him right now. She could do that when she finished her book.

"I…was wondering why there isn't booze in my desk...but then I remembered I drank it all...nevermind..." Roy put his head down and went back to sleep.

Riza steamed at her desk. He was so incompetant! And lazy! She didn't even know why she put up with this asshole all the time! All he did was have her do his work while he dreamt about sluts and future ex-girlfriends.

Wait…why DID she put up with him?

She, of course, was not in love with him. That'd be stupid. No one could ever fall in love with an idiotic dickwad like that guy. He wasn't even good-looking.

No…that could never be the case. Love was stupid, anyways.

Definitely.

Roy kept one eye open when he pretended to go back to sleep. Hawkeye was so damn sexy, he couldn't help but think about her every second of the day. She probably thought he dreamt about those girlfriends and one-night-stands he had every night. But he never did. It was all Ishval or_ her._

Ishval. Roy closed his eyes as the sadness, guilt, and remorse filled into his head. He was a murderer. Riza deserved better than him anyways.

He murdered more than just Ishvalans…Hughes. Him, too. If it weren't for him, Hughes would be alive right now, happily bragging about Elysia to everyone he saw. All he ever did was shove hundreds of pictures in peoples faces, anyways. Or try to get him together with Riza.

Oh, right, Riza. She would never love him. She was so hot. She could have any guy she wanted. Which wouldn't be him. No way, no how.

And he knew he loved her. He tried to deny it for so many years by dating hundreds of other sluts. But they did _nothing!_ Stealing Havoc's one-day girlfriend's didn't usually make him feel better either.

"Riza-chan?"

Riza jumped at the sudden voice behind her. She turned around. "Yes, Roy-kun?"

"If I killed myself, would you be sad?"

She stared at him. As if something suddenly popped into her head, tears started forming in the blonde's eyes. "Roy-kun! What are you thinking?! You can't do something like that! Don't even think about it!" She ran up to him. "Don't…don't EVER think of it!" She sobbed into his military jacket.

"Riza-chan…I haven't even done anything, and you're like this." Roy frowned at the thought. If she loved him…then she loved a murderer. He murdered thousands of people, and his own best friend. He was a horrible, horrible person. She shouldn't love him. "You…you shouldn't be sad because of me!"

She looked up at him. "WHY THE FUCK NOT?!" She screamed at his forcefully, tears still pouring out of her eyes.

"Because I'm a goddamn murderer! I'm a horrible person! It's my fault Maes is dead…it's my fault you don't have a higher rank or a better life…I deserve to di-" His speech was ended with a full-blast slap to the face.

Riza stood up, face red, breathing heavily. "Roy-kun! You're so stupid! Stupid…! I…I…" The words caught in her throat. She didn't want to admit it. It would be embarassing and awkward for them since he obviously didn't love her back.

"Riza-chan…I love you. I don't want to see you sad." He looked at her.

Riza's face turned absolutely red when the words came out of his mouth. "Y-you…do?" She couldn't believe it! He loved her!

"Of course I love you. You're so sexy, and beautiful, and good-looking…how could I not?" Roy smiled.

"Roy-kun…I love you too!" Her face was still red and pink, even though she already knew how she felt.

He leaned down and started to make-out with her. Riza took it by surprise at first, but then accepted it.

Riza kissed him back, happy that they shared these feelings. But then she thought about it for a minute…

_Wait! He just wants me for the sex! He just lied! I know it! That bastard!_

She pushed him off of her. "You…you bastard."

Roy stared at her, and confused look plastered on his face. "Uh…what?"

"You just want me for the sex! You don't really care about me! I'm just another one of your goddamn one-night-stands! I'm not just another bimbo, you ass!" She yelled at him.

"Riza-chan…that's not it. That could never be it." He kissed her gently and waited for her to stop crying. "You're much more than that to me…I do love you."

She sobbed. "Roy-kun…"

He kissed her again, this time more forcefully. The man brought an arm around her waist and slammed her against his office desk. He moved his head further down her neck; butterfly kisses being given on the way down.

She squirmed underneath him, and waited for his next move. She knew it. She _wanted_ him.

And then they started to have super mad-hot sex.

Havoc moved around outside the office, sweat pouring down his face. He heard screaming, so he ran over, but now all he could hear was moaning and groaning. What to do…what to do…? Should he open the door?! SHOULD HE?!

He took out a cancerstic- I mean cigarette, and lit it. The blonde took a few drags before deciding that he should enter the room.

"Taisa, sir!" He entered the room, prepared for the worst.

Unfortunately, this was worse than the worst.

His superior officer's pant-less self hovering over the now very naked 2nd Lieutenant (although that second image in itself wasn't so bad) was probably the most hell-ish thing he could ever see.

However, Riza and Roy's eyes looking over at his was even _worse._

"**HAVOC!!**" They screamed, and the man ran out of the room.

"HAAALLLPPP!!"

**End**

LOLOLOL KAWAII DESU DESU RIGHT? Ttly leik kawaii desu

XD Man, I think I'll take up sky diving so I can kill myself legally.

JESUS CHRIST. This story killed me from the inside out. Seriously. I wanna kill somethingg…….

But it was accurate, ne? Damn…should this be teen or mature? I'm thinking teen cuz it doesn't actually have any lemon in it xD

SORRY TO DISAPPOINT THE MORE PERVERTED FANS D:

Sorry for wasting your time with this, but I had to make it! Byebye!!

**ADDED:**

Info on what's wrong with this fic and why it's so freakin' annoying xD:

**Changing "Lieutenant" and "Colonel" to "Chuui" and "Taisa"**  
_Guess what? Amestris is based on GERMANY. Do Germans speak Japanese? No? OMG O: What do you know! They don't! Just because it's a manga doesn't mean it takes place in Japan. BTW, don't give me crap about Xing, Xing is based on CHINA. Not Japan._

**Riza reading romance novels**  
_Where the fuck did that come from anyways? I guess I like the idea...it could generally happen...but seriously, who came up with that?! She's reading one in, like, every fic I read!_

**Riza calling Roy by his first name, or vice versa**  
_Never, not even ONCE, in canon, has Riza called Roy, 'Roy'. All we know of is 'Mr. Mustang', '(Lieutenant) Colonel Mustang', 'Major Mustang', or 'Sir'. That's it. Roy has only called her 'Riza'...once, methinks. When her dad was dying. Methinks. I believe it's pretty damn obvious, THEY DON'T CALL EACH OTHER BY THEIR FIRST NAMES. They don't. Get over it._

**Adding "-kun" or "-chan" after names**  
_Same reasons as the Taisa and Chuui crap. THEY AIN'T JAPANESE._

**Riza shooting at Roy**  
_She shot at Black Hayate. THAT WAS IT. She doesn't shoot at her subordinates...geezus christ...-- Her aim is awesome, but she could easily accidentally hit one of them. And kill them. So...yeah. Hawkeye ain't stupid._

**Roy's drinking problem**  
_He's male. He's above age 21. He can drink. He does...SOMETIMES. So does everyone. Geez... Anyhow, he drinks away at parties, sure, but I can assure you: THERE IS NO ALCOHOL AT HIS WORK._

**Roy falling asleep during work**  
_He doesn't. He wants to become Fuhrer, not Hawkeye. xD Fuhrer Hawkeye. ANYHOW...he keeps up the work ethic he has so he can make his way to the top. That's how it works._

**Riza thinking of Roy as an incompetent idiot**  
_She's been by his side of her own free will, the woman would die for this man. Do you honestly think she considers him an idiot? She wants him to become Fuhrer because he could change their world for the better._

**Riza denying love for Roy**  
_If, and I say if by that fact that it's not yet canon, Riza is in love with Mr. Mustang there, she ain't gonna deny it. Not everyone thinks, "OMG luv iz 4 losarzz i cant b in luv nuwai". Sorry 'bout that. If she loved him, she would be okay with that. Because he's been by her side forever! They've known each other for years; all their faults and all their talents._

**Roy dating millions of women**  
_He is single. He is generally good-looking. He can date. That doesn't make him a pimp, going around and picking up whatever crackhead whore he finds on the street. Mmkay?_

**Roy randomly emo-ing about Ishval**  
_My god, people! Sure, he's gonna have nightmares about it EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. Not every freaking night! He's got other things to worry about rather than his past! The future is ahead!_

**Roy saying, "Riza deserves better"**  
_-- Maybe I'm annoyed with it cuz it's SOOO overused. But...seriously. It IS. SHE WAS IN ISHVAL. SHE KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE, TOO. SHE'S A MURDERER, TOO. Whadduya know?_

**Roy randomly emo-ing about Hughes's death**  
_He doesn't even want to think about it, mmkay? Hughes's death was his fault...technically. I understand that, you understand, he/she/we understands that...but it goes along with what I said about Ishval, just...-- He will let it go, because he needs to move on!_

**Roy thinking Riza would never love him**  
_DUDE. That's practically saying she hates him. She's been following him around for 10 years on her free will, she would DIE for him, and you're telling me that there isn't a TINY bit of love in there? Not even just a LIL bit? She actually HATES him? HM? Does that, or does that NOT, make sense?_

**Roy stealing Havoc's girlfriends**  
_Is that all because of the one episode...Roy Mustang Observation Diary. Yeah. He didn't steal the girl, because she was never interested in Havoc. So Roy is good-looking. He doesn't even like the girls he dates when he does. Didja lookit his face when Breda (i think it was breda) said, "By the look on his face, I think he's going on a date."_

**Roy being suicidal**  
_WTFNO. He's got a goal to complete, and killing himself ain't gonna get it done._

**Riza "crying at the drop of a hat"**  
_She doesn't cry easily. What does crying solve? Nuthin. She cried when she thought he was dead. In both manga ainme. THATS DIFFERNT from him speaking of death. Riza's tougher than that. Give her some credit, people._

**Riza swearing**  
_I mean, sure, she's sworn. A lot of people have. But...I've seen things where she swears a LOT, excessively, and at people she wouldn't normally swear at._

**Roy only loving Riza because she's hot**  
_Well...I mean, DUH Riza is good-looking. But geezus CHRIST, Mustang doesn't only love her because she's got a great figure! Think about it for a minute!_

**Roy wanting Riza for the sex/Riza thinking he does**  
_Mmmmkkkaayyy...it's not much of RoyAi if he's just using her, is it? And Riza thinking he does goes back with the -thinking the other one does not love them back- crap._

**Sex in the office. On the desk.**  
_God I love stories with this. BUT SERIOUSLY. They wouldn't. I'm pretty sure they can wait._

Quote stolen from dailenna. SHE'S AWESOMESAUCE 8D; Go to her fanfic account NAO.


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